What The Heart Sees

I love our Christmas tree. Yes, it's fake, but it is truly lovely. Every year I snap photos like crazy trying to capture the glow, the lights, the way the sun kisses each ornament when it showers the tree with sunlight in the morning. I lay on the floor and shoot up...hoping to catch the moment that the Christmas lights cast a glow on the fairy ornaments face.  I turn off the flash,thinking that will help me capture what my eye is seeing and then turn it back on when I realize the shot is quite right.  Perhaps what is happening is that my eye sees what is in my heart when I look at the tree and ornaments...the magic, the emotion the holiday brings and the tradition, and my camera only catches what is there for everyone to see....a beautiful tree and nothing more.

Choices

     It's so hard to love a child and see them in so much pain.  That's what I see when I look at Kristi and listen to her.  Where is that little girl that was so full of life and love?  Where is that teenager who had so many friends...was well liked...was full of confidence and sunshine and loved taking care of people?  Where is the young woman who couldn't wait to have children and studied in order to teach children?  What happened to that person?  Instead I see a woman in pain...who goes through the motions of parenting, who pretends to be a loving daughter, who is brittle and looks stressed at all times.  I see someone who goes through the motions of living but doesn't enjoy her life. 
     It's true that I do not support her life's choices. What she doesn't understand is that I don't turn my shoulder because she has chosen to be in a relationship with another woman....I turn my shoulder because she is so unhappy in this relationship.  Her choice in partner does not empower her...she weakens Kris and makes her dependent upon her.  Her choice does not make Kristi's face glow with happiness and assurance...instead my child's face is drawn, etched with worry lines and pulled downward with the dissatisfaction with her everyday life.  Why would I embrace someone who does this to my child?
     Does Kris love her children?  Yes, but not the way so loved them when she chose to have them.  Now she loves them because she is their mother but they are an impediment to what she thinks she wants so there is an underlying resentment towards them also.  Do they feel it? Oh yes.  But, like all children, they love their mother and support and protect her.  Does she realize what a gift that is? 
     I will accept anyone in Kristi's life that is good to her and for her.  I will know...it won't be because that person fits the image of what I would like for my daughter, but because my daughter's face will radiate with love, she will stand tall because that person empowers her to be the best she can be, she will feel confident in the decisions she makes, she will no longer feel betrayed by Jeff and angry at him because she will be over him and on to a new life.  At that point I will rejoice that Kris has found a partner that enhances her life.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Amanda Jane!  It makes me so sad to see you post that you hate birthdays.  It seems that no matter how hard we try to make your day special something always happens to create a hitch in  your day.  And then, when the day rights itself, it never regains the joy that was intended.  You always have a memory but it never lives up to what your dream was.  But, you are a gift to all of us that love you.  I know you must know that and someday I hope you will have a day that lives up to all of your expectations and dreams.  I love you.

Pain

     It's hard to see how much pain Kristin is in.  She has made choices in her life and if the choice is right for her then she should feel contentment and peace in her soul.  To me she is the most tortured soul I have seen in a long time.  What is her relationship with Lynda bringing to her?  How is it enriching her life?  How is it making her children's life better?  I don't think there is a positive response for any of those questions.  She is so very needy and that need has made her make some very poor choices.  
     I know that she will blame her unhappiness on me..saying that my non-acceptance of Lynda in her life is what is torturing her.  But, as is true in all of our lives...if the love is real and deep then she wold be saddened by my rejection but it would only be an emotion it would not color her whole life.  It would not make her fall into a bottle and push her children away.  
    When will she wake up and what damage will she do while she works through this?

Thanks.....

     I have so many things to be thankful for...so many blessings and a multitude of prayers that have been answered.  I have wonderful family...both immediate and extended and friends.  And, I count each blessing every day.  But, even having said that, it was with a clutch in my throat and a pain in my heart that I watched Sean back out of the driveway this morning.   I know he will be back but I don't think he will ever be the same. 
     Sean's diagnosis of throat cancer is really the topping on his list of health concerns.  It seems so sad...like it's time to pay the piper.  He has abused his body with drugs, alcohol and a raunchy life style for years.  Then, he gets clean, stops smoking, gets a job, gets his degree and gets cancer.  Why?  I know better then to ask that question but I can still wonder. 
     And even sadder still is that he is technically alone.  He isn't married, doesn't have children and is really only close to Mike and I.  We will be there for him but it seems so a lonely way to be and such a solitary life. 
    I will say prayers for him and hope that his treatment will not be devastating but mostly that he can be treated and will survive.
    

Upward Mobility

Our first kitchen was an inverted U shape that one person could fit in comfortably.  But, it was ours and I loved it!  The bear minimum...no dishwasher, microwave (we had never heard of them at that time!) or ice maker in the fridge.  But I had a double sink with a window over it and, best of all, a breakfast bar!  It was so 60's....orange and avocado with harvest gold appliances.  I hung lovely strands of green, gold and orange beads to separate the kitchen from the dining area.  This was where I experimented with my first wall papering project.  After all there was only one wall to put paper on so it was an easy one to learn on.  My first attempt was with a beautiful print of orange poppies climbing a trellis.  Well, the room was so tiny that the flowers became monstrous.  That paper didn't last long...I quickly put up a subtle stripe in soft shades.  Live and learn.

As happy as I was with that kitchen though there was always the yearning for bigger and better.  We would walk through model homes and dream of, first a kitchen two people could fit in...then a dishwasher...sink with a sprayer...cabinets on both sides of the kitchen to store all those appliances I wanted to collect!  Then it was an eat in kitchen....a built in stove...a cooktop with a grill....a wall oven and finally that wonderful island that everyone could gather around.

Well, we made it.  We bought and sold and moved and finally had that dream kitchen.  A beautiful island, a breakfast bar, double wall oven, glass cook-top, built in microwave, dishwasher, real wood cabinets with solid brass knobs,  a pantry and all those appliances that I though I wanted but seldom used.

And now....well guess what...we are at the point where we are cleaning out the cupboards, giving away the appliances and looking at scaled down and more compact kitchens in smaller homes.  So, we grow up and now it's time to shrink back down.

Mothers

     I have been thinking about the loss of a mother and grandmother to Jeff and the kids and those thoughts have led to pondering relationships between mother and child.  I feel so fortunate to be able to say that my  mother was my best friend from the time I was about 16 to the day she died.  

     I can't say that my mom was the best mother...that she was the big hugs, wet kisses, read stories at night and sing lullaby type of mom.  She didn't enjoy being in the kitchen, changing diapers, walking the floor or  attending school concerts, plays, conferences or the such.  She reluctantly played den mother once to Kevin's cub scout troop but didn't sign up for the second year!  So, she wasn't the traditional mother but we knew we were loved.  She did her best to give us what we needed.  There was never enough money as kids but we had what we needed and what we had was good. 

     We also had a very interesting, unique, thought provoking and stimulating person raising us.  She was a great example for feminists!  There was nothing she couldn't do if she wanted to.  She gutted the kitchen in the house in Bedford and installed wallpaper, cabinets and laid the new floor.  She hung off the roof of the house in Cutler Ridge when she was 9 months pregnant and painted the roof eves! She mowed yards, sewed, painted, wallpapered, decorated, did needlepoint, went to college (with me),wrote and was an artist.  She didn't have successful marriages but when she called you 'friend' you were that for life. 

     And, I was her friend as well as her daughter and I loved my role.  We talked about everything.  She kept me in line with a realistic outlook on my kids and what was going on in their lives.  She didn't sugarcoat things or use rose colored glasses.  She called it like it was and yet, she loved the girls and only wanted the best. 

Sad

Kelly called this morning to say that Diane (Wilson),Jeff's mother,has congestive heart failure and Hospice has been called in. It is so sad to think that someone just a few years older thEn me is this close to death. And I am so sad for Tanner,Emma and Abby. Diane is really a wonderful grandmother. She does all the things grandmothers should do....plays games, dresses up for make-belie,buying fun things and things that fulfill their secret wishes. She gives them candy and cookies, has sleepovers where they stay up till all hours watching movies and eating junk and is there to pick them up when they don't feel well. She gives them unqualified love just as a grandmother should. She will be so missed.

Epidemic

It amazes me how teenagers, including Amanda, think that they are so much smarter then we, adults, are.  Amanda has been complaining for at least 2 years about the following things: 

• being tired
• unable to fall asleep
• unable to stay focused
• feeling like she has ADD
• and a general feeling of malaise

Well, don't you know, as I have told her and tried to counsel her on...this is a new epidemic among teenagers and young adults being called the Electronic Epidemic.  Kids are staying 'connected' past bedtimes, mentally over stimulated so they don't fall asleep easily, interrupted by texts and IM's and other communications while studying, reading, trying to sleep and so on.  It is an actual documented 'disease' affecting us today.

Now...will she do anything to improve her life?  No, I will have to use it as a weapon if her grades are not sufficient:( and I hate always being the bad guy.

Concerns

How do I, as the mother of a grown woman, express the deep concern I have about her life and the way she is leading it?  Kristin seems so lost...not just in her relationship with another woman but in her regular bouts of excessive drinking.  And the worst is that she puts her children's life in peril each and every time she puts them in the car when she has had more then one drink.  Does she realize what her life would be like if her actions hurt or killed any one of them?  What she thinks is loss now would be infinitesimal by comparison.  She is 40 years old...how do I chastise her and what can I do about it?

Pumpkin Patch

It's all about family....It was actually a good weekend even though I was very apprehensive about how it would turn out.