I watched The Quilt Show this morning and they had the episode with Susan Carlson on it. Wow! I have always loved her work but seeing how she creates her collages and how she steps outside of the box is so inspirational! It makes me want to cut all my stash into little pieces, throw them into bins or cases and collage away!

I used her first book to make a collage of a fish for Owen. Her second book has a Mandela, moon and sun and many more exciting images. I wonder if I can do a series of pillows for the sofa when we move? They would certainly be colorful and fun. Just another thing to add to my already too long list of wanttodo's!'

Why don't I have more time to do these things I want to do? Retirement isn't what I thought it would be. Wonderful? Yes! Productive? NO!

What The Heart Sees

I love our Christmas tree. Yes, it's fake, but it is truly lovely. Every year I snap photos like crazy trying to capture the glow, the lights, the way the sun kisses each ornament when it showers the tree with sunlight in the morning. I lay on the floor and shoot up...hoping to catch the moment that the Christmas lights cast a glow on the fairy ornaments face.  I turn off the flash,thinking that will help me capture what my eye is seeing and then turn it back on when I realize the shot is quite right.  Perhaps what is happening is that my eye sees what is in my heart when I look at the tree and ornaments...the magic, the emotion the holiday brings and the tradition, and my camera only catches what is there for everyone to see....a beautiful tree and nothing more.

Choices

     It's so hard to love a child and see them in so much pain.  That's what I see when I look at Kristi and listen to her.  Where is that little girl that was so full of life and love?  Where is that teenager who had so many friends...was well liked...was full of confidence and sunshine and loved taking care of people?  Where is the young woman who couldn't wait to have children and studied in order to teach children?  What happened to that person?  Instead I see a woman in pain...who goes through the motions of parenting, who pretends to be a loving daughter, who is brittle and looks stressed at all times.  I see someone who goes through the motions of living but doesn't enjoy her life. 
     It's true that I do not support her life's choices. What she doesn't understand is that I don't turn my shoulder because she has chosen to be in a relationship with another woman....I turn my shoulder because she is so unhappy in this relationship.  Her choice in partner does not empower her...she weakens Kris and makes her dependent upon her.  Her choice does not make Kristi's face glow with happiness and assurance...instead my child's face is drawn, etched with worry lines and pulled downward with the dissatisfaction with her everyday life.  Why would I embrace someone who does this to my child?
     Does Kris love her children?  Yes, but not the way so loved them when she chose to have them.  Now she loves them because she is their mother but they are an impediment to what she thinks she wants so there is an underlying resentment towards them also.  Do they feel it? Oh yes.  But, like all children, they love their mother and support and protect her.  Does she realize what a gift that is? 
     I will accept anyone in Kristi's life that is good to her and for her.  I will know...it won't be because that person fits the image of what I would like for my daughter, but because my daughter's face will radiate with love, she will stand tall because that person empowers her to be the best she can be, she will feel confident in the decisions she makes, she will no longer feel betrayed by Jeff and angry at him because she will be over him and on to a new life.  At that point I will rejoice that Kris has found a partner that enhances her life.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Amanda Jane!  It makes me so sad to see you post that you hate birthdays.  It seems that no matter how hard we try to make your day special something always happens to create a hitch in  your day.  And then, when the day rights itself, it never regains the joy that was intended.  You always have a memory but it never lives up to what your dream was.  But, you are a gift to all of us that love you.  I know you must know that and someday I hope you will have a day that lives up to all of your expectations and dreams.  I love you.

Pain

     It's hard to see how much pain Kristin is in.  She has made choices in her life and if the choice is right for her then she should feel contentment and peace in her soul.  To me she is the most tortured soul I have seen in a long time.  What is her relationship with Lynda bringing to her?  How is it enriching her life?  How is it making her children's life better?  I don't think there is a positive response for any of those questions.  She is so very needy and that need has made her make some very poor choices.  
     I know that she will blame her unhappiness on me..saying that my non-acceptance of Lynda in her life is what is torturing her.  But, as is true in all of our lives...if the love is real and deep then she wold be saddened by my rejection but it would only be an emotion it would not color her whole life.  It would not make her fall into a bottle and push her children away.  
    When will she wake up and what damage will she do while she works through this?

Thanks.....

     I have so many things to be thankful for...so many blessings and a multitude of prayers that have been answered.  I have wonderful family...both immediate and extended and friends.  And, I count each blessing every day.  But, even having said that, it was with a clutch in my throat and a pain in my heart that I watched Sean back out of the driveway this morning.   I know he will be back but I don't think he will ever be the same. 
     Sean's diagnosis of throat cancer is really the topping on his list of health concerns.  It seems so sad...like it's time to pay the piper.  He has abused his body with drugs, alcohol and a raunchy life style for years.  Then, he gets clean, stops smoking, gets a job, gets his degree and gets cancer.  Why?  I know better then to ask that question but I can still wonder. 
     And even sadder still is that he is technically alone.  He isn't married, doesn't have children and is really only close to Mike and I.  We will be there for him but it seems so a lonely way to be and such a solitary life. 
    I will say prayers for him and hope that his treatment will not be devastating but mostly that he can be treated and will survive.