What The Heart Sees

I love our Christmas tree. Yes, it's fake, but it is truly lovely. Every year I snap photos like crazy trying to capture the glow, the lights, the way the sun kisses each ornament when it showers the tree with sunlight in the morning. I lay on the floor and shoot up...hoping to catch the moment that the Christmas lights cast a glow on the fairy ornaments face.  I turn off the flash,thinking that will help me capture what my eye is seeing and then turn it back on when I realize the shot is quite right.  Perhaps what is happening is that my eye sees what is in my heart when I look at the tree and ornaments...the magic, the emotion the holiday brings and the tradition, and my camera only catches what is there for everyone to see....a beautiful tree and nothing more.

Choices

     It's so hard to love a child and see them in so much pain.  That's what I see when I look at Kristi and listen to her.  Where is that little girl that was so full of life and love?  Where is that teenager who had so many friends...was well liked...was full of confidence and sunshine and loved taking care of people?  Where is the young woman who couldn't wait to have children and studied in order to teach children?  What happened to that person?  Instead I see a woman in pain...who goes through the motions of parenting, who pretends to be a loving daughter, who is brittle and looks stressed at all times.  I see someone who goes through the motions of living but doesn't enjoy her life. 
     It's true that I do not support her life's choices. What she doesn't understand is that I don't turn my shoulder because she has chosen to be in a relationship with another woman....I turn my shoulder because she is so unhappy in this relationship.  Her choice in partner does not empower her...she weakens Kris and makes her dependent upon her.  Her choice does not make Kristi's face glow with happiness and assurance...instead my child's face is drawn, etched with worry lines and pulled downward with the dissatisfaction with her everyday life.  Why would I embrace someone who does this to my child?
     Does Kris love her children?  Yes, but not the way so loved them when she chose to have them.  Now she loves them because she is their mother but they are an impediment to what she thinks she wants so there is an underlying resentment towards them also.  Do they feel it? Oh yes.  But, like all children, they love their mother and support and protect her.  Does she realize what a gift that is? 
     I will accept anyone in Kristi's life that is good to her and for her.  I will know...it won't be because that person fits the image of what I would like for my daughter, but because my daughter's face will radiate with love, she will stand tall because that person empowers her to be the best she can be, she will feel confident in the decisions she makes, she will no longer feel betrayed by Jeff and angry at him because she will be over him and on to a new life.  At that point I will rejoice that Kris has found a partner that enhances her life.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Amanda Jane!  It makes me so sad to see you post that you hate birthdays.  It seems that no matter how hard we try to make your day special something always happens to create a hitch in  your day.  And then, when the day rights itself, it never regains the joy that was intended.  You always have a memory but it never lives up to what your dream was.  But, you are a gift to all of us that love you.  I know you must know that and someday I hope you will have a day that lives up to all of your expectations and dreams.  I love you.