Pain

     It's hard to see how much pain Kristin is in.  She has made choices in her life and if the choice is right for her then she should feel contentment and peace in her soul.  To me she is the most tortured soul I have seen in a long time.  What is her relationship with Lynda bringing to her?  How is it enriching her life?  How is it making her children's life better?  I don't think there is a positive response for any of those questions.  She is so very needy and that need has made her make some very poor choices.  
     I know that she will blame her unhappiness on me..saying that my non-acceptance of Lynda in her life is what is torturing her.  But, as is true in all of our lives...if the love is real and deep then she wold be saddened by my rejection but it would only be an emotion it would not color her whole life.  It would not make her fall into a bottle and push her children away.  
    When will she wake up and what damage will she do while she works through this?

Thanks.....

     I have so many things to be thankful for...so many blessings and a multitude of prayers that have been answered.  I have wonderful family...both immediate and extended and friends.  And, I count each blessing every day.  But, even having said that, it was with a clutch in my throat and a pain in my heart that I watched Sean back out of the driveway this morning.   I know he will be back but I don't think he will ever be the same. 
     Sean's diagnosis of throat cancer is really the topping on his list of health concerns.  It seems so sad...like it's time to pay the piper.  He has abused his body with drugs, alcohol and a raunchy life style for years.  Then, he gets clean, stops smoking, gets a job, gets his degree and gets cancer.  Why?  I know better then to ask that question but I can still wonder. 
     And even sadder still is that he is technically alone.  He isn't married, doesn't have children and is really only close to Mike and I.  We will be there for him but it seems so a lonely way to be and such a solitary life. 
    I will say prayers for him and hope that his treatment will not be devastating but mostly that he can be treated and will survive.
    

Upward Mobility

Our first kitchen was an inverted U shape that one person could fit in comfortably.  But, it was ours and I loved it!  The bear minimum...no dishwasher, microwave (we had never heard of them at that time!) or ice maker in the fridge.  But I had a double sink with a window over it and, best of all, a breakfast bar!  It was so 60's....orange and avocado with harvest gold appliances.  I hung lovely strands of green, gold and orange beads to separate the kitchen from the dining area.  This was where I experimented with my first wall papering project.  After all there was only one wall to put paper on so it was an easy one to learn on.  My first attempt was with a beautiful print of orange poppies climbing a trellis.  Well, the room was so tiny that the flowers became monstrous.  That paper didn't last long...I quickly put up a subtle stripe in soft shades.  Live and learn.

As happy as I was with that kitchen though there was always the yearning for bigger and better.  We would walk through model homes and dream of, first a kitchen two people could fit in...then a dishwasher...sink with a sprayer...cabinets on both sides of the kitchen to store all those appliances I wanted to collect!  Then it was an eat in kitchen....a built in stove...a cooktop with a grill....a wall oven and finally that wonderful island that everyone could gather around.

Well, we made it.  We bought and sold and moved and finally had that dream kitchen.  A beautiful island, a breakfast bar, double wall oven, glass cook-top, built in microwave, dishwasher, real wood cabinets with solid brass knobs,  a pantry and all those appliances that I though I wanted but seldom used.

And now....well guess what...we are at the point where we are cleaning out the cupboards, giving away the appliances and looking at scaled down and more compact kitchens in smaller homes.  So, we grow up and now it's time to shrink back down.

Mothers

     I have been thinking about the loss of a mother and grandmother to Jeff and the kids and those thoughts have led to pondering relationships between mother and child.  I feel so fortunate to be able to say that my  mother was my best friend from the time I was about 16 to the day she died.  

     I can't say that my mom was the best mother...that she was the big hugs, wet kisses, read stories at night and sing lullaby type of mom.  She didn't enjoy being in the kitchen, changing diapers, walking the floor or  attending school concerts, plays, conferences or the such.  She reluctantly played den mother once to Kevin's cub scout troop but didn't sign up for the second year!  So, she wasn't the traditional mother but we knew we were loved.  She did her best to give us what we needed.  There was never enough money as kids but we had what we needed and what we had was good. 

     We also had a very interesting, unique, thought provoking and stimulating person raising us.  She was a great example for feminists!  There was nothing she couldn't do if she wanted to.  She gutted the kitchen in the house in Bedford and installed wallpaper, cabinets and laid the new floor.  She hung off the roof of the house in Cutler Ridge when she was 9 months pregnant and painted the roof eves! She mowed yards, sewed, painted, wallpapered, decorated, did needlepoint, went to college (with me),wrote and was an artist.  She didn't have successful marriages but when she called you 'friend' you were that for life. 

     And, I was her friend as well as her daughter and I loved my role.  We talked about everything.  She kept me in line with a realistic outlook on my kids and what was going on in their lives.  She didn't sugarcoat things or use rose colored glasses.  She called it like it was and yet, she loved the girls and only wanted the best. 

Sad

Kelly called this morning to say that Diane (Wilson),Jeff's mother,has congestive heart failure and Hospice has been called in. It is so sad to think that someone just a few years older thEn me is this close to death. And I am so sad for Tanner,Emma and Abby. Diane is really a wonderful grandmother. She does all the things grandmothers should do....plays games, dresses up for make-belie,buying fun things and things that fulfill their secret wishes. She gives them candy and cookies, has sleepovers where they stay up till all hours watching movies and eating junk and is there to pick them up when they don't feel well. She gives them unqualified love just as a grandmother should. She will be so missed.

Epidemic

It amazes me how teenagers, including Amanda, think that they are so much smarter then we, adults, are.  Amanda has been complaining for at least 2 years about the following things: 

• being tired
• unable to fall asleep
• unable to stay focused
• feeling like she has ADD
• and a general feeling of malaise

Well, don't you know, as I have told her and tried to counsel her on...this is a new epidemic among teenagers and young adults being called the Electronic Epidemic.  Kids are staying 'connected' past bedtimes, mentally over stimulated so they don't fall asleep easily, interrupted by texts and IM's and other communications while studying, reading, trying to sleep and so on.  It is an actual documented 'disease' affecting us today.

Now...will she do anything to improve her life?  No, I will have to use it as a weapon if her grades are not sufficient:( and I hate always being the bad guy.